Dear Axe Shampoo
|Joe Posnanski||May 28, 2013|
To Axe Shampoo Company Customer Service
Re: Shampoo product
My name is John, and I have been using your Clean Control Shampoo every day for about six months now. It might be a little bit more than six months, now that I think about it. I remember I started the day after Halloween. The timing might not be important, but I want to give you all the necessary information to help me.
First, let me say: It is good shampoo! I don’t want this to sound like a complaint letter or anything like that. I’m not the complaining type at all, you can ask anyone. It’s just that, like I said, I’ve been using your shampoo every day for months now, and so far I have not had even one gorgeous woman run up to me and run her fingers through my hair. I’m worried that I’m not using it right.
I apologize if this is going to the wrong person; I guess this is probably a question for your technical department. But I found your email, so I will just ask: You’re supposed to put the shampoo on wet hair right? It seems like that’s what the guys in the commercials do, and that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ll wet my hair, and then I’ll put on a dollop of Axe shampoo, and then I’ll kind of rub it into my hair. Then after a few seconds, I’ll rinse it off. Then, I repeat the process. Is that right? I’m worried that maybe I’m not leaving the shampoo on my hair for a long enough period of time to get the full effect? Could that be it? A a few weeks ago I left it on for two hours, though, and it it still didn’t work. I’m sure it’s something simple and I feel kind of stupid even asking, but I’m stumped!
To be honest with you I’m kind of a shy person, which is why I was drawn to your product. When I saw the way gorgeous women would just run up to the guy on your commercial and run their fingers through his hair, I thought, “That’s for me!” I get kind of tongue-tied around women, and it would be a lot more convenient for me if they would just run up to me and run their fingers through my hair. I think I could handle it from there! Well, actually, I do kind of wish you would have included instructions on what to say to these women who run up to you and run their fingers through your hair, but I realize that you are a shampoo company and that is probably not your area of expertise.
I should tell you that before I was using Axe, I was using “Head and Shoulders” because I think I have dandruff, and based on their commercials it looked like women don’t like dandruff at all. I thought this might be my problem other than my general shyness that I told you about. But even after using their product for three years, not one woman noticed that my dandruff was gone -- at least none of them came up to me to mention it -- so that was a disappointment. That’s why I was so excited to buy Axe, and I’m very eager for any advice you might have on how to use it properly.
Oh, I should probably add that I did have a very pretty woman come up to me at the mall. I naturally thought she was going to run her fingers through my hair, so I prepared something to say, like, “Yeah, my hair is really clean from using Axe” -- I am absolutely willing to promote your product when women run their fingers through my hair (any suggestions on things to say?). But it turned out she only wanted to talk to me, which was still very nice, and I was able to buy from her this kind of sea salt thing from the Dead Sea in Israel that is really supposed to really open up the pores. It does seem to work pretty well, though I can’t tell. When she left, I kicked myself for not asking her on a date or something, but to be honest I was kind of thrown off because she did not run her fingers through my hair like I had expected, and like I say I get kind of tongue-tied. I don’t blame Axe for that, of course, but I just wanted to let you know in case that will help your technicians troubleshoot the problem.
I want to be clear that I am not asking for my money back or anything like that -- the Head and Shoulders people sent me a refund check, and it’s like I told them on the phone I really didn’t want the money. I’m just looking for any technical advice you can give me so that I can use Axe the proper way and have gorgeous women come up to me and run their fingers through my hair. I also want to say that I’m not picky, the women don’t have to be quite as gorgeous as the ones on TV. They can be just kind of pretty. There’s this girl in my apartment building who is like that, she’s very pretty, and if you can arrange it for her to run her fingers through my hair, that would certainly be fine. I already called my State Farm agent about her, but so far she has not appeared in my apartment.